We are all undeniably shaped by the things that happen to us; from the moment we're born things happen to us that shape the choices we make, the way we view the world, and the way the world views us. Most of the time, we're not even aware of the minute changes that happen. It's not until we look back over the landscape of our lives and that we see the mountains we thought were rolling hills.
There are a few moments, however, that stand out and we describe them as such: ground breaking, earth shaking, life changing. I've been lucky in my life that I have had very few of those kinds of moments, almost all of them happy. I've mostly bobbed through the charmed ocean of life, with happily married parents, few heartbreaks, and few disappointed hopes. September 2010 changed that.
This is not a blog to talk about Molly or her medical condition - if you are interested in following Molly's journey, her mom Kristen has written eloquently on the topic in her caringbridge blog. But her illness, critical condition and the adjustment to the "New Normal" has left a mark on me, and I will forever think of life as "Before" and "After".
In order to decide to become a parent, you have to take a gigantic dose of "that won't happen to us" pills. This is what allows you to love someone so completely, without reservation. If people stopped to think of everything that could go wrong with pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, tweens, teens, college students.... the human race would end. To function, you HAVE to be able to convince the rational part of your brain that yes, bad things do happen, but they happen to other people and your child won't have a problem. Before, I lived happily in that bubble, "knowing" that there were kids with problems out there, but satisfied with the idea that it wasn't going to be my kids, or my friend's kids.
Seeing Molly on life support was a terrible thing. The ups and downs of those dark days deeply affected me in ways that I'm only now starting to understand. It was as if I had been walking down the street, a beautiful street, lined with pretty houses with neat yards and when I reached out to touch one, I discovered that the whole thing was a paper thin backdrop that I could punch a hole in. And when I punched that hole and tore the paper, behind the beautiful houses were sick and dying children, their parents and siblings, and families and friends. I couldn't get the idea out of my head that there were thousands of kids like Molly out there; sick, clinging to life, with their devastated families sitting by their sides. I became obsessed with Caring Bridge posts, I found myself searching Facebook for pages asking for prayers for this kid or that. I became completely unable to leave the house for fear that I would miss a post or a phone call from Kristen about Molly. I couldn't fall asleep unless my cell phone was plugged in next to me and I found the loudest possible ringtone so I would be sure to hear it, even in the deepest sleep. Not that there was much sleep to be had.
I went through alternating phases of completely overindulging my kids and getting mad at them for not understanding why I was sad. I stopped reading some Facebook posts, cause I would get so angry about people complaining about their kids. I wanted to shout at people "Hug your kid! Be happy he's well enough to misbehave!" I went to the mall and standing among the crowd of strangers, I realized if I started to cry, no one would know why, and it made me start to have a panic attack. I got into a fight with a friend because he asked, via Facebook, to ask people to pray that the financing went through on his truck. I told him that people like him were clogging up the prayer lines and did he seriously think God had anything to do with financing a truck and if He did, then the whole notion of God was insane. I would swing wildly between praying to God and thinking that I couldn't believe in a God who would allow people to go through so much pain.
I was so angry. Angry at God, angry at the doctors, angry at everyone who didn't stop their whole lives to help Molly. I knew it was unreasonable, but I couldn't stop myself. And I would get angry at myself, for having emotions that I wasn't sure were really mine to have. Molly's not my kid, and I'm not a member of the family, so did I even have the right to be so sad and mad and scared?
Slowly, the anger ebbed. The grief has been largely replaced with gratitude that Molly has recovered so much. But I am in the After. I no longer think of AI Dupont as a place you take your kid for a broken bone, it's where Molly went on life support. I still jump at texts and phone calls from Kristen, and when the caller ID said AI Dupont recently, it took me a minute of conversation with the person calling before I got my heart out of my throat. Kristen and I had a running joke in the Before - if your kid was sick and you wanted to take them to the doctor, you called Kristen for advice. If you didn't, you called me for advice. That's not true anymore. I'm much more likely to err on the side of caution, and my stack of EOBs from the pediatrician proves it.
The biggest difference in the After is in how I view my friendships and how I deal with people. I have realized that people have different priorities from me, and that's okay - Everyone gives what they can, when they can. Just because Kristen and Molly have this BIG problem, doesn't make the problems that other people face less important to that person. I had to stop comparing everything to Molly, but I also had to distance myself from friends who were having crisis because I knew I wasn't equipped to handle it. I also learned that when the shit goes down, you will be surprised by who steps up and who steps out.
I think I'm more serious now. When I see a speeding car, I tend to wonder if that person is rushing to the hospital before I think "what a jackass". It's been hard to write this blog, as you might have guessed by my lack of posts. At first, I felt like happiness was a sort of betrayal to Kristen, my bestest buddy who was anything but happy. Then I wanted to talk about how I was feeling about this, but didn't know how for a very long time.
The After isn't entirely a bad place. I think I'm more patient with my kids and husband. I appreciate our health and our happiness more now. I think it has made me kinder to strangers and more aware of the people around me. My girls are much more aware of special needs kids and adults and understand that there are kids who are less fortunate than they are. Personally, I would give up all this awareness and sensitivity for another cold drink by the pool with Kris and all 7 of our kids acting like shit monkeys in the pool, but this is not the life we lead. I'm grateful to Father Foley and his continuing miracle of Molly, and I'm grateful to whatever trick of fate led us to Delaware and me to the Pike Creek MOMS club.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
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Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Every store in America should be legally required to have a drive thru.
It's raining today. Again. For about the seventy-fifth day in a row. And I had to get milk. Which meant dragging Will through the rain to get two gallons of milk and then carry everything back to the car. In the rain. Did I mention that it's been raining a lot lately?
I sat in my car contemplating my options - don't buy milk and deal with not only the screaming from Will, complete with the most heart wrenching signing of "milk" and "please" and "more" and, perhaps more importantly, sentence myself to a morning of coffee with non-dairy creamer and the nasty chemical coat I'd wear on my tongue for the rest of the day as a result, or suck it up and drag myself and Will and 2 gallons of milk through the rain.
Carrying my son shouldn't be such a burden, right? I mean, he's my kid and I love him. Throw myself in front of a moving train kind of love. However, this little bundle of joy that I love so much weighs 30 pounds and fights me like Oscar La Hoya when I try to carry him. He yanks my hair, hits my face, screams and wiggles, all with the absolute knowledge that I will not drop him from a height of four feet and run for the nearest bar (which happens to be right next door to the store where I buy milk). And, unfortunately for Will, this is my fourth time around so the whole cute baby thing doesn't have as much cache as it might have had for Ellie. Doing errands with kids sucks and it sucks hard core.
Just recently, a friend commented that he called 911 on a woman who left her kids (approx 7 and 4) in the car while she went into Starbucks. Fortunately for the woman, she got her coffee in a timely enough fashion that she avoided an uncomfortable conversation with the police. My friend got feedback from his FB friends about how terrible that was and how could any mother do that. And I'm sure he was proud of himself for taking a stand against bad parenting and poor choices. Well, I'm not a terrible mother. I'm a really good mother, if I do say so myself. And I've done it. I've left my kids in the car while I got a coffee. While I've gotten another kid out of school. I've put the kids in the car and then come back in to the house to get myself ready. In Delaware, if someone called 911, and the police came, they would likely take my children away from me and put them in a foster home until an investigation was completed. Because you can't leave your kids in your car, cause it's a slippery slope. If you let some people leave their kids in their cars, then where do you draw the line. There was a woman in my recent memory who left her kid in her car while she went into a bar and had a date. Is me running into Dunkin' Donuts so much different? It's all a matter of degrees, right?
While it's possible that this woman is a crappy mom and is taking her own issues out on her kids, I'd like to think that she was probably just a mom who didn't feel like dragging her kids into another store. Especially one that sells tasty looking treats for approximately the same price as my last pair of tennis shoes. Maybe she had been out running errands, or worse taking them to the doctor, all day and just wanted a coffee without commentary from her kids. A wise cop friend of mine once said that no situation is so bad that it cannot be made worse by the presence of a police officer. My friend's intentions were excellent, but maybe just waiting by the car to make sure nothing happened to the kids, that they were in no danger, and then a private word with the mother might have been kinder and more civilized?
This brings me back to the rain. And the milk. And Will in the car, happily playing with a train. And being a bad mother. Suddenly, it dawned on me that there is another option. It is completely socially acceptable for me to leave my children in the car while I go into the gas station. I could be in there buying smokes and porn, but no one thinks twice about a car full of kids at a gas pump. So I went to the gas station and bought milk for a ridiculous price, brought it home, and enjoyed my coffee while ignoring Will so I could watch Grey's Anatomy.
That my friends, is being a good mother.
It's raining today. Again. For about the seventy-fifth day in a row. And I had to get milk. Which meant dragging Will through the rain to get two gallons of milk and then carry everything back to the car. In the rain. Did I mention that it's been raining a lot lately?
I sat in my car contemplating my options - don't buy milk and deal with not only the screaming from Will, complete with the most heart wrenching signing of "milk" and "please" and "more" and, perhaps more importantly, sentence myself to a morning of coffee with non-dairy creamer and the nasty chemical coat I'd wear on my tongue for the rest of the day as a result, or suck it up and drag myself and Will and 2 gallons of milk through the rain.
Carrying my son shouldn't be such a burden, right? I mean, he's my kid and I love him. Throw myself in front of a moving train kind of love. However, this little bundle of joy that I love so much weighs 30 pounds and fights me like Oscar La Hoya when I try to carry him. He yanks my hair, hits my face, screams and wiggles, all with the absolute knowledge that I will not drop him from a height of four feet and run for the nearest bar (which happens to be right next door to the store where I buy milk). And, unfortunately for Will, this is my fourth time around so the whole cute baby thing doesn't have as much cache as it might have had for Ellie. Doing errands with kids sucks and it sucks hard core.
Just recently, a friend commented that he called 911 on a woman who left her kids (approx 7 and 4) in the car while she went into Starbucks. Fortunately for the woman, she got her coffee in a timely enough fashion that she avoided an uncomfortable conversation with the police. My friend got feedback from his FB friends about how terrible that was and how could any mother do that. And I'm sure he was proud of himself for taking a stand against bad parenting and poor choices. Well, I'm not a terrible mother. I'm a really good mother, if I do say so myself. And I've done it. I've left my kids in the car while I got a coffee. While I've gotten another kid out of school. I've put the kids in the car and then come back in to the house to get myself ready. In Delaware, if someone called 911, and the police came, they would likely take my children away from me and put them in a foster home until an investigation was completed. Because you can't leave your kids in your car, cause it's a slippery slope. If you let some people leave their kids in their cars, then where do you draw the line. There was a woman in my recent memory who left her kid in her car while she went into a bar and had a date. Is me running into Dunkin' Donuts so much different? It's all a matter of degrees, right?
While it's possible that this woman is a crappy mom and is taking her own issues out on her kids, I'd like to think that she was probably just a mom who didn't feel like dragging her kids into another store. Especially one that sells tasty looking treats for approximately the same price as my last pair of tennis shoes. Maybe she had been out running errands, or worse taking them to the doctor, all day and just wanted a coffee without commentary from her kids. A wise cop friend of mine once said that no situation is so bad that it cannot be made worse by the presence of a police officer. My friend's intentions were excellent, but maybe just waiting by the car to make sure nothing happened to the kids, that they were in no danger, and then a private word with the mother might have been kinder and more civilized?
This brings me back to the rain. And the milk. And Will in the car, happily playing with a train. And being a bad mother. Suddenly, it dawned on me that there is another option. It is completely socially acceptable for me to leave my children in the car while I go into the gas station. I could be in there buying smokes and porn, but no one thinks twice about a car full of kids at a gas pump. So I went to the gas station and bought milk for a ridiculous price, brought it home, and enjoyed my coffee while ignoring Will so I could watch Grey's Anatomy.
That my friends, is being a good mother.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Maggie's 5!!!
My Maggie is 5. She is definitely a kid who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. She is the mayor of munchkin city around these parts, all the little kids love her, despite her nearly choking almost all of them while trying to pick them up at one time or another. She is a force of nature. I hope you enjoy this little review of Maggie's year!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Carnival Games prepared me for Motherhood
When you walk in a room four kids aged 6 and under, you get a lot of commentary from strangers. "You certainly have your hands full." "You're busy!" "That's a little army you've got" and my personal fave to date, "That's ALOT of kids!", as if I had 14 kids with me rather than 4. After the shock of seeing a seemingly normal person with 4 kids wears off, the next most common line of attack is "I don't know how you do it!" I usually smile and say something self deprecating, unless I'm feeling snarky. Recently an older gentleman commented, "So what do you do in your spare time." I responded with "I have four children, what do you think I do in my spare time?" with a large wink thrown in for good measure.
I've recently figured out how I manage four kids though. It was all the carnival games I played as a kid. Let me explain:
Whack a Mole - perfect training for life with four kids. My day to day is filled with kids popping their heads up and asking for various things. I have to get a snack for one, while another is asking for crayons and another is crying about a boo boo, and the fourth is needing a diaper change. It's all about peripheral vision and quick responses.
Ring Toss - Total practice field for throwing snacks with accuracy into the way back of the van. If I had known then what I know now, I would have practiced more with my back to the bottles and looking in the walleye mirror.
The Balloon Dart game - more of a metaphorical preparation, but I do puncture the wild schemes of my kids pretty much daily.
Duck Pond - well, hasn't every parent fished something out of the toilet?
Dunk Tank - I've spent hours trying to figure out how to do baths dunk tank style. It's a work in progress.
Bean Bag Toss - totally prepared me to feed four kids at the dinner table. I can throw a dinner roll with wicked accuracy.
Fun House - Pretty much goes without saying. Sometimes scary, sometimes dangerous, but you always want to go back through.
So all in all, I'd like to thank all those toothless carnies, who in their own way taught me as much about motherhood as Dr. Spock.
I've recently figured out how I manage four kids though. It was all the carnival games I played as a kid. Let me explain:
Whack a Mole - perfect training for life with four kids. My day to day is filled with kids popping their heads up and asking for various things. I have to get a snack for one, while another is asking for crayons and another is crying about a boo boo, and the fourth is needing a diaper change. It's all about peripheral vision and quick responses.
Ring Toss - Total practice field for throwing snacks with accuracy into the way back of the van. If I had known then what I know now, I would have practiced more with my back to the bottles and looking in the walleye mirror.
The Balloon Dart game - more of a metaphorical preparation, but I do puncture the wild schemes of my kids pretty much daily.
Duck Pond - well, hasn't every parent fished something out of the toilet?
Dunk Tank - I've spent hours trying to figure out how to do baths dunk tank style. It's a work in progress.
Bean Bag Toss - totally prepared me to feed four kids at the dinner table. I can throw a dinner roll with wicked accuracy.
Fun House - Pretty much goes without saying. Sometimes scary, sometimes dangerous, but you always want to go back through.
So all in all, I'd like to thank all those toothless carnies, who in their own way taught me as much about motherhood as Dr. Spock.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
thoughts on Motherhood...
My days are filled with poop and pee,
arguing, whining, and squeals of glee.
I like to think I have control,
but my kids think that is rather droll.
Each day I start with a sense of hope,
that the coffee’s ready and will help me cope.
My sleep interrupted, my body wants to revolt.
I need the caffeine to give me a jolt.
Four little creatures, I see waiting there,
Running around with sleep-messy hair.
Feed them, dress them, start the days grind,
brush one’s hair, wipe one’s behind.
One onto the bus, preschool for another,
Two stay with me, their harried mother.
Tomorrow I think, I’ll do this all better,
get up earlier, make lunches, get it together.
I’ve given up on being THAT mom,
the one with makeup, jewelry or matching clothes on.
No, I’m the one running late,
for school, for appointments, for a playdate.
I usually forget something I need,
thank Heaven for friends who loan things to me.
These girls are my rock, the cut me much slack,
And they know that I’ve got their back.
The years are short, but the days are long
and some days I feel like I’m doing it wrong.
My kids watch TV, eat junk and fight,
they haven’t learned Spanish or how to sleep through the night.
But most days we laugh and hug and kiss
Those moments I know it doesn’t get better than this.
My kids know I love them and I do my best everyday
to make a good home for them to learn and play.
So after six years of this motherhood stuff
I’ve learned being a parent is really tough.
I’m a good mom and I’m a good wife,
and I can’t wait to see what happens in life!
arguing, whining, and squeals of glee.
I like to think I have control,
but my kids think that is rather droll.
Each day I start with a sense of hope,
that the coffee’s ready and will help me cope.
My sleep interrupted, my body wants to revolt.
I need the caffeine to give me a jolt.
Four little creatures, I see waiting there,
Running around with sleep-messy hair.
Feed them, dress them, start the days grind,
brush one’s hair, wipe one’s behind.
One onto the bus, preschool for another,
Two stay with me, their harried mother.
Tomorrow I think, I’ll do this all better,
get up earlier, make lunches, get it together.
I’ve given up on being THAT mom,
the one with makeup, jewelry or matching clothes on.
No, I’m the one running late,
for school, for appointments, for a playdate.
I usually forget something I need,
thank Heaven for friends who loan things to me.
These girls are my rock, the cut me much slack,
And they know that I’ve got their back.
The years are short, but the days are long
and some days I feel like I’m doing it wrong.
My kids watch TV, eat junk and fight,
they haven’t learned Spanish or how to sleep through the night.
But most days we laugh and hug and kiss
Those moments I know it doesn’t get better than this.
My kids know I love them and I do my best everyday
to make a good home for them to learn and play.
So after six years of this motherhood stuff
I’ve learned being a parent is really tough.
I’m a good mom and I’m a good wife,
and I can’t wait to see what happens in life!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Merry Christmas!
Dear Mr. Claus,
Thank you for hiring us to audit your Naughty/Nice list this year. Enclosed, please find the report on the Lacey Family of Wilmington, Delaware.
The youngest Lacey, William Jeffrey, started off the year clearly naughty. First, after causing his mother to go slightly crazy after being two full weeks overdue, he then had the audacity to weigh 11 pounds, 3 ounces at birth. However, he has shown remorse and spent the rest of the year applying himself diligently to repairing his image. His smiles, infectious laugh and his excellent sleeping habits have allowed us to firmly recommend William as “Nice”.
Next, we investigated Jack, aka “Muqtada al Toddler”. Jack is an enigma. He displays characteristics of naughtiness, for instance, his tendency to destroy his sisters’ artwork or by throwing a Thomas Tank Engine with deadly accuracy. This behavior, coupled by his obvious lack of remorse, would place him squarely on the black list, but his adorable smile and hilarious way of saying “okay!” has charmed even this seasoned auditor. We recommend Jack as “Nice”.
While Maggie has been up for review several times in past years, this year, we are happy to report that Maggie has grown into a wonderful big sister and an excellent preschooler. Maggie shows an ability to see the best in everyone and is quick to compliment a friend or to kiss a boo boo when necessary. This year Maggie also added swimming to her resume, and she is a regular fish in the water. While still having her moments of “exuberance”, Maggie is most definitely “Nice”.
Ellie has set the bar high for her siblings. She can now add star Kindergartner to her list of accomplishments. Ms. King, Ellie’s teacher, says she is kind and friendly and she is showing great aptitude for school. Ellie has a strong interest in science and loves to create little experiments in the back yard. She is clearly still “Nice”.
There is one addition to our regular audit of the Lacey Family. Caroline Aime, a 17 year old from France, joined the family in August as an exchange student and has already become more like another daughter than temporary guest. In addition to being sweet and kind, Caroline has already received Distinguished Honors at McKean High School, one of only 3 seniors to do so. She is loved universaly by the family, especially the dog Joey, who is hopeful everyday that today might be the day his love is returned. Caroline is firmly “Nice”.
As a side note, though we don’t generally audit dog behavior, Joey deserves special mention for his 11 years of steadfast service to the Laceys. Particularly in the last year, while he has endured pokes and prods, been pressed into service as both Prince Charming and a stepstool, he has done it all with wag of the tail and only one or two room clearing farts a day.
Finally, I’m saddened to disclose that there was an ethical problem with the initial report on Erin Lacey. Apparently, her husband Jeffrey, in a misunderstanding of semantics, tried to bribe the first auditor to put Erin on the “Naughty” list. Once the gifting ramifications were made clear to Mr. Lacey, he requested that Erin be placed back on the “Nice” list and that his actions be fully disclosed. Mr. Lacey, despite this transgression, is also recommended for “Nice” status for his continued efforts to tame four wild animals into productive members of society and for enduring forty-two weeks of pregnancy without once trying to drive Erin into the middle of nowhere and leave her for dead.
All in all, the Lacey family has had a productive and happy 2010. They are extremely grateful for their wonderful friends and family and sincerely hope that they have an even better 2011.
Regards and Merry Christmas,
Elves of India, Inc.
Thank you for hiring us to audit your Naughty/Nice list this year. Enclosed, please find the report on the Lacey Family of Wilmington, Delaware.
The youngest Lacey, William Jeffrey, started off the year clearly naughty. First, after causing his mother to go slightly crazy after being two full weeks overdue, he then had the audacity to weigh 11 pounds, 3 ounces at birth. However, he has shown remorse and spent the rest of the year applying himself diligently to repairing his image. His smiles, infectious laugh and his excellent sleeping habits have allowed us to firmly recommend William as “Nice”.
Next, we investigated Jack, aka “Muqtada al Toddler”. Jack is an enigma. He displays characteristics of naughtiness, for instance, his tendency to destroy his sisters’ artwork or by throwing a Thomas Tank Engine with deadly accuracy. This behavior, coupled by his obvious lack of remorse, would place him squarely on the black list, but his adorable smile and hilarious way of saying “okay!” has charmed even this seasoned auditor. We recommend Jack as “Nice”.
While Maggie has been up for review several times in past years, this year, we are happy to report that Maggie has grown into a wonderful big sister and an excellent preschooler. Maggie shows an ability to see the best in everyone and is quick to compliment a friend or to kiss a boo boo when necessary. This year Maggie also added swimming to her resume, and she is a regular fish in the water. While still having her moments of “exuberance”, Maggie is most definitely “Nice”.
Ellie has set the bar high for her siblings. She can now add star Kindergartner to her list of accomplishments. Ms. King, Ellie’s teacher, says she is kind and friendly and she is showing great aptitude for school. Ellie has a strong interest in science and loves to create little experiments in the back yard. She is clearly still “Nice”.
There is one addition to our regular audit of the Lacey Family. Caroline Aime, a 17 year old from France, joined the family in August as an exchange student and has already become more like another daughter than temporary guest. In addition to being sweet and kind, Caroline has already received Distinguished Honors at McKean High School, one of only 3 seniors to do so. She is loved universaly by the family, especially the dog Joey, who is hopeful everyday that today might be the day his love is returned. Caroline is firmly “Nice”.
As a side note, though we don’t generally audit dog behavior, Joey deserves special mention for his 11 years of steadfast service to the Laceys. Particularly in the last year, while he has endured pokes and prods, been pressed into service as both Prince Charming and a stepstool, he has done it all with wag of the tail and only one or two room clearing farts a day.
Finally, I’m saddened to disclose that there was an ethical problem with the initial report on Erin Lacey. Apparently, her husband Jeffrey, in a misunderstanding of semantics, tried to bribe the first auditor to put Erin on the “Naughty” list. Once the gifting ramifications were made clear to Mr. Lacey, he requested that Erin be placed back on the “Nice” list and that his actions be fully disclosed. Mr. Lacey, despite this transgression, is also recommended for “Nice” status for his continued efforts to tame four wild animals into productive members of society and for enduring forty-two weeks of pregnancy without once trying to drive Erin into the middle of nowhere and leave her for dead.
All in all, the Lacey family has had a productive and happy 2010. They are extremely grateful for their wonderful friends and family and sincerely hope that they have an even better 2011.
Regards and Merry Christmas,
Elves of India, Inc.
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