Dear Mr. Claus,
Thank you for hiring us to audit your Naughty/Nice list this year. Enclosed, please find the report on the Lacey Family of Wilmington, Delaware.
The youngest Lacey, William Jeffrey, started off the year clearly naughty. First, after causing his mother to go slightly crazy after being two full weeks overdue, he then had the audacity to weigh 11 pounds, 3 ounces at birth. However, he has shown remorse and spent the rest of the year applying himself diligently to repairing his image. His smiles, infectious laugh and his excellent sleeping habits have allowed us to firmly recommend William as “Nice”.
Next, we investigated Jack, aka “Muqtada al Toddler”. Jack is an enigma. He displays characteristics of naughtiness, for instance, his tendency to destroy his sisters’ artwork or by throwing a Thomas Tank Engine with deadly accuracy. This behavior, coupled by his obvious lack of remorse, would place him squarely on the black list, but his adorable smile and hilarious way of saying “okay!” has charmed even this seasoned auditor. We recommend Jack as “Nice”.
While Maggie has been up for review several times in past years, this year, we are happy to report that Maggie has grown into a wonderful big sister and an excellent preschooler. Maggie shows an ability to see the best in everyone and is quick to compliment a friend or to kiss a boo boo when necessary. This year Maggie also added swimming to her resume, and she is a regular fish in the water. While still having her moments of “exuberance”, Maggie is most definitely “Nice”.
Ellie has set the bar high for her siblings. She can now add star Kindergartner to her list of accomplishments. Ms. King, Ellie’s teacher, says she is kind and friendly and she is showing great aptitude for school. Ellie has a strong interest in science and loves to create little experiments in the back yard. She is clearly still “Nice”.
There is one addition to our regular audit of the Lacey Family. Caroline Aime, a 17 year old from France, joined the family in August as an exchange student and has already become more like another daughter than temporary guest. In addition to being sweet and kind, Caroline has already received Distinguished Honors at McKean High School, one of only 3 seniors to do so. She is loved universaly by the family, especially the dog Joey, who is hopeful everyday that today might be the day his love is returned. Caroline is firmly “Nice”.
As a side note, though we don’t generally audit dog behavior, Joey deserves special mention for his 11 years of steadfast service to the Laceys. Particularly in the last year, while he has endured pokes and prods, been pressed into service as both Prince Charming and a stepstool, he has done it all with wag of the tail and only one or two room clearing farts a day.
Finally, I’m saddened to disclose that there was an ethical problem with the initial report on Erin Lacey. Apparently, her husband Jeffrey, in a misunderstanding of semantics, tried to bribe the first auditor to put Erin on the “Naughty” list. Once the gifting ramifications were made clear to Mr. Lacey, he requested that Erin be placed back on the “Nice” list and that his actions be fully disclosed. Mr. Lacey, despite this transgression, is also recommended for “Nice” status for his continued efforts to tame four wild animals into productive members of society and for enduring forty-two weeks of pregnancy without once trying to drive Erin into the middle of nowhere and leave her for dead.
All in all, the Lacey family has had a productive and happy 2010. They are extremely grateful for their wonderful friends and family and sincerely hope that they have an even better 2011.
Regards and Merry Christmas,
Elves of India, Inc.
